Depression – it is possible to beat

“Stay” by U2.  Such an utterly gorgeous song.  I still think this is their best ever.

And it still makes me cry, it holds so many memories – when this came out I was suffering from depression and I would listen to this 10 or more times in a row because this song would actually make me feel something (don´t ask me what though), and at the time I wasn´t able to feel much in the way of emotion, the depression was making me so numb to everything around me.

It´s depressing just to think about it.  I think the tears I shed just now are for the girl I used to be and how sad and desperate she was back then.

It still terrifies the shit out of me to ever slip back into it.  There have been short bouts of a month or two up till 2003, but nothing since then.

Between 1992 and 1996 I had counselling and various other “treatments” battling with it, but you know what, none of that really helped – it aids and guides you, yes…. but in the end, the only one that can get you out of your deepest black hole is YOU.

It´s one of the worst nightmares (those years were the darkest in my life) and one you think you never wake up from. And to persevere and try and beat it is just such an impossible task, because you just can´t, because you keep slipping back into the “I don´t really care” and “what´s the point” way of thinking.  I don´t know the amount of times I cancelled my counselling sessions just because I thought “this is not helping anyway” or I couldn´t face going outside, and then going back the next week because I felt that tiny 1% more positive again…. sigh

 But any of you who suffer from depression… if I can do it – so can YOU.  But it´s just so NOT EASY.

People who have never suffered from it could never understand what it is really like.

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